Batchelor's Super Noodle Cheese BURGER Flavour

Noodle flavour: Cheese
BURGER.
In this day and age, instant noodles shouldn't be an elite topic, only discussed by people in the know, We all know the classic image of the noodle reviewer, the one who sits alone in his ivory tower, deliberating on matters of flavour, texture and philosophy, only deigning to mix with others so-called noodle experts in noodle salons. Well, this isn't that type of noodle review blog. This noodle review blog is not afraid to get out there and get its hands dirty mixing with the public. We mix. And boy, do the public we mix with have the dirtiest of digits.

Anyway, to prove that snobbery doesn't exist on this blog, we're reviewing Cheese BURGER flavoured noodles.


Cooking instructions: Cheese BURGER

Flavour packets: Cheese BURGER

Overall: Jean Baudrillard wrote in detail about Simulacra and how capitalism has created "simulations" of "the real" which we purchase and exchange in place of actual objects or beliefs. In a way, these Cheese BURGER noodles are proof that his ideas hold up in our society, being as they are not really noodles or cheeseburgers. In another way, they're nothing of the sort, Baudrillard was an unreadable dick who was wrong about most things and anyhow that blog has been better written here.  No, what these noodles are, is only too real if intangible. They are a very real attempt to get everyone to remember Supernoodles exist.

First of all the scent. They smell exactly like a McDonald's cheeseburger. Not a bit like, not reminiscent of but <exactly>. If there was a gameshow where contestants had a McDonald's cheeseburger wafted under their nose and then these noodles, and had to pick the real cheeseburger*, there would be winners 50% of the time (and no viewers).  It's a genuinely impressive piece of food science and must have been created by a lot of people in working in close harmony. It smells like team spirit.

So after you've remarked as Al Pacino may well have in Scent of A Woman: "Damn. Your sashay smells fine" what next?

You eat a lousy packet of noodles and feel a bit ill. The noodles are, as previously discussed, really unpleasant. They retain that bizarre squidgy thinness which gives you a deceptively healthy feel to them. The broth is tasteless but smells like cheeseburger. You don't really want to eat cheeseburger scented noodles because you're a human being with taste buds and generally hold to accepted norms. But like an SAS soldier, a heroic firefighter, ebola nurse or a lower member of the royal family opening a garden centre, you do it because it's your duty.  You need to write them up for a poorly-read noodle blog. So you eat them. You eat them, goddamn it. And you don't like them.

If these noodles were a crime novel they'd be: The novelisation of Naked Gun.

Noodle rating: 1

* Yes, McDonald's cheeseburgers are real. Shut up. The reason they don't rot is because of moisture levels. Google it.