Unif 100

Noodle name: Unif 100

Country of origin: China

Flavour: "Artificial Stewed Pork Chop" No, I've no idea why the good folk at Guangzhou President Enterprises Corp didn't ask someone who spoke English if that was a good flavour name or not.

Cooking instructions: Add too much boiling water ("500cc") and leave in a bowl for 3 minutes with the seasoning. Yes, eagle-eyed readers will have spotted, that this is a noodle-within-a-pot* type noodle only without the pot. So, they are aiming this at people who can take a bowl to their workplace, where they are presumably supplies a kettle or if it's a fancy new office, one of those boiling water taps. But at said workplace, there is no cooking pot or hob allowed. Or alternatively, it's at a narrower range of people who don't trust themselves to use a pan or hob.

Flavouring packets:  Three. Vegetable oil with strange flecks in it, soup base and dried vegetables including an appearance of bok choi alongside the usual carrot and spring onion. There's not been a more exciting appearance of a dehydrated green since Scritti Politti played a long gig on a hot day after the lead singer had drunk too much the night before to cover up his stage fright.

Overall:  It's an odd noodle this. I imagine it's exactly what people who don't like packet noodles think of when they think of packet noodles. I can hear a disapproving mum saying: "They're all additives, salt and disgusting artificial stewed pork chop flavour". And indeed, the soup base for this is exactly like the time Spinderella fell over on the mixer, in that there's way too much salt. It's an  intense chemical tang, which by the time you get to the bottom of the bowl, will make you wince despite the fact, unusually for this type of noodle it's not at all spicy.  On top of that, the noodles are thin and you get the feeling they'd turn to mush if left for longer than a few minutes. But...  (here is a twist worthy of M Nigh Shyamalan, O Henry or The Alarm), they are actually, at the same time, perfectly pleasant. There's something reassuring about the fact they don't try too hard, there's something forgiving in the lack of bite from the noodle. They're for people who like artificial packet noodles, (who have a bowl and a kettle) and for that they should be saluted, if not actively encouraged.

If these noodles were a crime novel, they'd be: Anything by Mickey Spillane. They're not very good, they know they're not very good and the actor who played them in a TV series would probably end up arrested for cocaine. Definitely need a different category here.

Rating: 2/5

* No one can steal this name from me as this blog is the same as sending it to myself in a sealed envelope.